Saturday, 09 February 2008
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well. im moving to a new site. you can find the new site from my screen name on AIM or on my facebook account. see you guys on the other side.
Wednesday, 06 February 2008
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Why am I still awake... Why can't I just sleep tonight... Why can't I sleep well on a good promise tonight... a good promise from Him... I know the promise is good... I know it is what I need... but why am I still fighting it... why must it be so hard... Why can't I just break away from who I don't want to be...
I want to scream... I want to scream all the things I have messed up... things I wish I can take back... things I wish I want to redo... I want to do these things... in my heart I know is not what I need... I want these things to go away...
Why am I still awake... I just want to sleep... why are there so many whys... will I ever be able to answer them all? Probably not, but I do wish they would just go away. I want to be whole... I don't want to be who I want to be... I want to be who I need to be... I want rest...
but why am I still awake?
Saturday, 29 December 2007
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Are we alone?
i need words
as wide as sky
i need language large as
this longing inside
and i need a voice
bigger than mine
and i need a song to sing you
that i've yet to find
i need you,
oh, i need you
i need you,
oh, i need you
to be here now
to be here now
to hear me now
to hear me now
its weird that we know god is here with us... all the time... every moment... but we still feel lost and confused when times are hard... when we are overwhelmed with the things life throw at us... so overwhelmed we can hardly breath and just gasping for a small breathe of air... we want to know he is there... we just cant feel him... and we convinced ourselves to believe we are alone... that it is us against the whole world... that the god of love who promised us that he would never forsake us...
deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.
i am glad that the god of mercy, grace, and love... does not depend on whether i feel him or not for him to be here with me always... because long ago... he already promised he will never forsake me... and its a promise that is not conditional... despite of the lies i have convinced myself... despite of how overwhelmed i am...
one love,
jeff
Friday, 28 December 2007
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Another year of silence...
after one year of hiatus... i am gonna start posting again...
Thursday, 21 December 2006
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Storms.
not sure how many of you still read this thing... but if you do... this post is a lot more personal than my previous ones in the past... so im asking you to do this... watch this clip by rob bell before you keep reading...
watch it, its worth it.
storms always come doesnt it... and the worst part of it is, it never comes when we are prepared... always when we are least expecting it... sometimes the storm happened and we can not understand why. we can not comprehend how it happened... and why it must happen... and sometimes we can understand... we know it happened because what dark secret we have been keeping finally caught up with us... and we stand there... exposed and ashamed... with our heads bowed... and wanting to hide... whether we can or can not understand... it always comes... and it always hurts... hurts a lot...
i feel as i go on with life, i can relate more and more to david, what he wrote in psalms... crying out to god.. that desperation... of needing god to hold him... carry him through... so i cry... i cry out to be carried through... because i cant walk on anymore... i cry for others... because i see and sense their hurt... and i know others cry for me... when they see when im hurting...
but what rob bell said is true... for me its through my own brokenness, i see god more clearly than ever... its those times i feel his heart beating in mine... when i cant lift my head up anymore because i am so heavy ladened with shame and sorrow... he picks me up and whispers in my ear... i love you... i love you... i love you...
but i forget... i always do... which is why im glad for those storms... its so hard when it hits... but reminds me of my need for god... it reminds me i am broken, and there is no way i can go on without him. and even times when the storm hits, im so overwhelmed with sorrow and tears and shame... that i feel im so far away from god... i feel im so wretched... so inadequate... it happens because what i see was not god, was my own shame... my own failures was my entire vision... but it is that moment when a small voice whispers in my heart from god saying... theres nothing you can do, that will make me love you any less... ive loved you from the beginning and i will not abandon you... nothing can separate us... nothing... not ever... nothing... do you know that jeff? nothing... nothing you can ever do will make me love you any less...
"neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- romans 8:39
i need that reminder... i need to be reminded that who is my foundation of my life... who is my deepest love... and who loves me the most... whos love that matters the most...
i pray that we build our lives on rock... and not on sand... i pray that we will be exposed and vulnerable... i pray that we all see god in the midst of all the storms... because, in the middle of that storm is calm... is peace... may you find that calm and peace... because he is there... whispering... i love you... im here.... and im not leaving you...
- jeff
Monday, 04 December 2006
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deliver me out of the sadness
deliver me from all the madness
deliver me courage to guide me
deliver me Your strength inside me
all of my life
ive been in hiding
wishing there was someone just like You
now that Youre here
now that ive found You
i know that Youre the one to pull me through
deliver me loving and caring
deliver me giving and sharing
deliver me this cross that im bearing
oh, deliver me
Jesus, Jesus how i trust You
how ive proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
deliver me
come and pull me through
come pull me through...
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:17-18
28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Psalms 119:28
hear our prayers. hear our cries. take this pain. take this cross. come save us.
Sunday, 12 November 2006
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Currently Listening
Transatlanticism
By Death Cab for Cutie
see relatedi need you so much closer... a prayer of a lost
its been over a month since i felt you have spoken to me... so here i am, alone, listening to a song on repeat saying i need you so much closer... you have heard me cry out that prayer many times... and im crying out once more... i need you so much closer... i need you so much closer... where are you god... i know you are there, but why cant i feel you... you are the one that was there in the beginning, formed the stars and the heavens by your word (genesis 1:1) you formed me with your own hands and breathed into me to give me life (genesis 2:7) you know i have lost my way and died to give me life once more (isaiah 53:6) i need to know you better, i need to be more like you, i need to fall more in love with you, i just.... need you... why do i constantly choose willingly to abandon my first love... why do i do the very things i hate (romans 7:15) why do i take your love so cheaply... i have become a whore... taking you for granted...
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I'd ever need
or is there more I'm looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don't trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy
a husband's jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
derek webb - wedding dress
love me once again... dont shy your face from me my lord... dont hide your ways... dont leave me... i need you so much closer... i need you to complete me... i need to let go of my weaknesses and hold on to you... you said your grace is sufficient for me (2 corinthians 12:9) but why do i consume myself with my own failures and short comings... why cant i be satisfied with your perfection and your love... i choose to be a coward and relive my own inadequacies over and over again... instead of being brave and live out the life you have called us to live... i need you so much closer... i tell you cheap lies of how much i love you, when i dont spend enough time with you... funny i think i can deceive one like you... i spend more time doing things of no worth... than to spend time with you.... i say one thing, but my action tells another story... when i have already forgotten you and ignored you...
the truth is... you never stopped talking to me... you never left me... its not that i need you so much closer... its i need to be closer to you... i need to listen and hear your voice... i need to stop and let you hold me... it is i who walked away, who ignored your tears... complete me... make me whole... make me new... hold me closer than ever before... forgive me of my transgressions... fill me with your love and grace... because you are enough... more than all of this... more than the ones i love... the things i do... my dreams and my wanting... help me to remember... help me to see others through your eyes... help me to hear your voice and your biddings... remind me when im lying to myself... when i say....
.... i need you so much closer....
because... you have never left... it has always been me who left you...
Monday, 16 October 2006
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you know theres a lot on my mind when im posting twice a day.... but simple song... big message...
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God
so I will rejoice
I will rejoice
and be glad
There is a fountain full of grace and it flows from Emanual's veins
It came and it healed me
It came and refreshed me
It came and washed my sins away
- jessie rogers -
Currently Listening
An Evening With
By Shane & Shane
I miss you
see relatedWake up O Sleeper...
i feel ive been falling away... lost... dying... i feel im consumed with apathy... lust... laziness... i feel far away from god... i cant hear his voice... i know he is telling me something... but my own sinfulness is blocking it out... im blocking it out... his messages are right in front of me... i cant see it.... im blind by my own pride... my own ways.... ive said im letting go of my life... why am i picking it up again... ive said ill live for one purpose.... the only purpose that matters... why am i abandoning that... i once was able to see the path the lord laid before me... but now its all fleeting away... ive once had a dream... a glorious dream my father has given me... a dream of building a church that is constantly after his own heart... a dream of living out what he has called us to do... living out the dream of the salt and the light... a dream to encourage my peers to see the world more than just ourselves... a dream to see pass this car... this ipod... this laptop... a dream to see the unseen... the forgotten.... the invisible children... where did these dreams go... i have forgotten who i am... ive lost those dreams... i have forgotten the faces i have seen in biloxi after katrina... i have forgotten their crying message of thankfulness... i have forgotten what christ did for me... ive become one that would only just dream... and that was the end... ive become one that refuse to live the dream... to make it a reality... ive become one that embraces accusations... ive become the coward... the accused... the condemned... ive decided its time to realize the dreams again... time to chase after the fleeting image of who i needed to be... im once again saying... im letting go... once again saying... i need you... again saying ill live for you and only you... saying have mercy on me... saying... i need your love once more...
its time for more than just a glorified dream... time has come for living...
these are my words... my cries... my confession...
ive been fighting against the spirit... when i feel i have the right to judge... im hit with this:
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment?
romans 2: 1 - 3
i sit in church... listening to the message and thinking, these are the exact words some people in my life should hear... but only then to realize... after i examine my own life after what perry noble said, knowledge of god without application is exact what the devil does... i realized ive been a child of the devil... not of light... i grew up in church... studying after gods words... only to see now im not living them once again...
this is me... who i am... not the righteous person for some of you think... not even close... you hear me talking about church planting... worship... how a christian community has lost its identity... all the while now i see myself, ive lost my own identity...
i need courage... i need your prayers... i need you to have the courage to ask me questions... i need you spur me on...
17 As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.
proverbs 27:17
ive learned its easy to dream of glorified dreams... its another to live it...
14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
ephesians 5:14
one love,
jeff
Thursday, 28 September 2006
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Currently Listening
An Evening With
By Shane & Shane
Yearn
see relatedembracing accusations...
i was thinking, as believers, what unites us? love of jesus, joy, hope, assurance, and peace... i think those are great things, but thats not all. we put on masks, our christian masks, that life is great, life is amazing... yet we forget jesus never promised a life of greatness, a life of happiness, he promised to give us life, to live it to the fullest.... to give him glory... so back to what unites us, sure, the things previous listed, but theres more... the hurt, the brokenness, our failures, our tears, our fears... but we are afraid to talk about those... we choose to live through those times alone... because we look at our brothers and sisters... and see their happy walk with god.... their perfect walk with god... we choose to embrace accusations alone each day... you are not good enough... you are a failure... why do you just keep messing up... you are just not worthy... do you love god at all... these accusations fly at our face everyday, from everywhere... but we dont talk about those... we cant... because we need to maintain the mask... that life is great... sigh...but dont you see... that is where we stumble... that is where we meet despair... that is where satan gets us...wants us to remain there... in the midst of those accusations... and be hopeless...
last night i went to anderson for the shane and shane concert.... and to be honest, i didnt want to go... but im starting to see, every time, i hesitant to go to a place, that is where god choose to meet me... when i least expected.... one song.... that was all it took... embracing accusations.... shane talked about the accusations we meet, he referred to galations 3, "Cursed to be anyone who does no abide by all things written in the book of the law, and do them" we are cursed people... how can we call ourselves the redeemed... these are the lyrics... think about them for a sec....
father of lies
coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes
of being good enough
i hear him saying "cursed are the ones
who can't abide"
he's right
halleluiah
he's right
the devil
is preaching
the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation
embracing accusation
could the father of lies
be telling the truth
of god to me tonight?
that if the penalty of sin is death
the death is mine
i hear him saying
"cursed are the ones
who can't abide"
he's right
halleluiah
he's right
the devil
is preaching
the song of the redeemed
that i am
cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation
the devil's singing over me
an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
sing the first verse so conveniently
over me
he's forgotten the refrain...
JESUS SAVES
"Cursed be anyone who does not abide by all things written in the book of the law, and do them"
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us"
- Gal 3:13
two simple words... simple words that we forgot how powerful, how deep, how amazing, how.... beautiful, those two words can be in our lives... jesus saves... we are no longer cursed... we are free... we are unchained... released... we are good enough to stand before god... we are sons and daughters of the most high king... we have been bought back... we dont have to face these accusations anymore... try to grasp that concept, we... are... good... enough... what jesus faced, the whipping, the humiliation, the cross... all those made us clean... made us pure... we are good enough... so... arise... meet each day knowing you are the redeemed, sing the song of the redeemed... but take that mask off... for all of us... will at one point forget who we are... who choose to accept.... choose to embrace those accusations...
i do this blog in hopes to open up dialogs... i want to hear your thoughts....
one love,
jeff
ps if you have time, i encourage you to download the video of the shanes doing the song i mentioned... you can get it at http://upload.loveandthunder.com/ - download the file embracing accusation.mov
